Wednesday, June 27, 2007

NEWS FLASH! - Lemmings :(

This lemming did not commit suicide. Walt Disney pushed it. Seriously. Check Wikipedia .
Oh Walt, how could you?

Friday, June 22, 2007

Wexley will be "Dancing with the stars."

So, Dancing With the Stars contacted us last week to see if we, as a group, wanted to participate on the next Dancing With the Stars . We asked how we could compete with Apolo Anton Ohno , who is also from Seattle, or Billy Ray Cyrus or Clyde "The Glide" Drexler , or Ian Ziering , who pronounces his own first name wrong. We asked ourselves, "How can Wexley compete in a dance contest with the likes of these freaks of nature?" Our answer was simple: Riverdance . The deal is if you can Riverdance you can basically win any dance competition. It encompasses all dance theory and moves. It is like being a ninja of dancing. The weird thing here is that we are 17 people and really the only way to compete is with some sort of line dance. You can't ballroom dance with 17 people. You actually can, but then dirty stuff starts happening in the middle where no one can see. Anyhow, we thought of the Macarena or the Electric Slide and all the good oldies but we settled on Riverdance , because that guy was the Lord of the Dance and that rules. Also the girls in Riverdance are kind of hot. So we are being paired up with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders , which we are really excited about too. This is going to be so much fun. Please watch for us starting in November on ABC . Vote for Wexley .

Monday, June 18, 2007

Damn it. We are #2.

It's tough for us to admit this, but we've realized we aren't the best in the world. Sure we are still one of the best in the world, but we have been humbled. Two words: Face Off. Have you seen it lately? Drop what you are doing. Drop your lunch, your kid, your cable knit sweater on the floor and run over to Blockbuster and flippin' rent it. If you have seen it, watch it again. We forgot what a freaking masterpiece this is, people. And there are so many things right with this movie we could write two blogs about this, but let's see where we net out in one. Ok, so Face Off - is it better than Star Wars? Much. Is it better than Blue Lagoon? Please. Is it funnier than Fried Green Tomatoes? You decide. This is an epic that has been hidden in the Drama/Action section of your local video store for too long, but no longer. We are here to tell you that this movie has it all. We're talking three thumbs up! We usually talk about how great we are, and rightfully so, but even Wexley has never performed a successful face transplant. But that's nothing. There are so many defining moments, like when Nicolas Cage is in a coma, and his face has already been transplanted onto John Travolta's face, and though he is the world's number one bad guy, he is totally unguarded and they accidentally left John Travolta's face in a jar behind a sheet in the same room. So of course Cage comes out of his coma, which by the way is awesome because he has no face but can still hang out and smoke cigarettes and smile and laugh like a villain. It's like if Osama Bin Laden was captured and left unguarded at County General. We love the logic, "Hey, he's in a coma and doesn't have a face, so what's he gonna do?" Well, stupid bitches, he's gonna wake up, put on that face they left in the jar beside his bed and continue to crap terror all over the world. The best thing about the movie though is the triple pun slam. THE T.P.S. Basically, you have the name Face Off. And then you have the fact that their faces are actually ripped off. Then you have the fact that they actually face off in several scenes of the movie. It is a pure gem. There are so many levels. There are amazing lines. Cage and Travolta make you believe they are each other with just the wrong faces. It is insane. And it is seriously way better than anything Wexley could ever do. However, we are working on it: Behold Face Off II, where Cage comes back from the dead, rips his face off, finds Travolta, rips his face off and they meet up a dingy smoke-filled pool hall and fight, faceless, then they weirdly make up, then make out and then lead a somewhat normal life as gay, faceless pool hustlers. So, actually maybe we are better than them. We knew it. Wexley is still number one. Sorry for the scare.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Wexley introduces: MyWexley

Because every product in the world seems to think they need an area of their website called My_______, Wexley School for Girls has decided to be become a real company like them. "We think MyWexley can boost sales 7,000,000%," says Cal McAllister, co-owner of Wexley . Since Wexley coined the first "My something" 13 years ago, all companies have either started a My_____ or have gone out of business. Scientific studies show this happens within 30 days. "Since we are so much a part of people's lives, we wanted to get even more personal. MyWexley allows us to get personal with our clients and really let them decide what Wexley means to them. It puts them in the driver's seat," added co-owner Ian Cohen. He also briefly stated "We struggled with it early. It was like, MyWexley? If it is their Wexley , then it's just like giving Wexley away? Then would we have to do a to get it back? It was tough. Also, since there is a MyCoke , MyMSN , MyWalmart , MyNBA , MyNFL , MyMLB , MyBartellDrugs , MySizzler , MyAddidas (which is original since RUN DMC actually sang about it) MyMcDonalds , MyOliveGarden , MySafeway , MyRedCross , , MyPizzaHut , MyKodak , MyGatewayComputer , MyCrest , MyMidgetWrestlingTour2007 , MyDoritos , MyFritos , MyATT , MyCharmin , MyHomeDepot , MyStaples , MyOfficeMax , MyHonda and the all encompassing MySpace , it was imperative we do it too. So we did and now you will get a piece of us. We did play with: Got' too and maybe that is next, but we are trying to just get up to speed and make sure we don't go out of business." Wexley School for Girls plans to launch on July 4th, as a tribute to America.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Die Russian cats Die.

Guns don’t kill people. People who spend $60 to watch 35 cats be tortured by 5 fat mediocre clowns kill people. And cats. And clowns.

This weekend 2 members of Wexley were duped in the biggest scam in the history of the universe. Bigger than Enron. Bigger than Sea Monkeys… the perpetrators? The Moscow Cats Theatre . Dubbed “an acrobatic feline wonder” we were suckered into the most uncomfortable, painful, unfunny 80 minutes of our lives.

Now we know what you’re thinking, “but your humor is so sophisticated, so high brow, maybe good ‘ol Russian humor is below you Wexley .” Come on America! We’re all about poop jokes and laughing at fatties at the beach. But there is nothing funny about a clown pretending that the wind is blowing his umbrella away. Or juggling 3 pins. Three whole pins! And it’s Moscow CAT Theatre, not Moscow CLOWN Theatre! For at least 25 of the 80 minutes there were NO CATS to be seen! We paid for cats!

Ok fine, there were a few highlights. Halfway through the show the one slow, pathetic dog (why he was there was never addressed) did sport a sizable boner. And there was one cat who spun a rave stick. But it was nowhere near what it was cracked up to be. To that point: To the New York Times , Time Out NY , Newsday , People , the New York Post , CBS , and Village Voice , you are all a bunch of liars. We are boycotting all of your publications and demand a written apology and a refund of at least $50 of the $60 we spent on tickets. (We both agreed that the show would have been worth $10 for the cat in the low-rider, the dog lipstick and the cat rave party.)

Additionally, here’s a list of 10 more useful things that $60 could have bought us.
1. Six rubber chickens on leashes
2. One night at the Value Inn on Aurora and a sensual 4 minute massage
3. A star courtesy of
4. A Kenny Rodgers belt buckle
5. 30 deep fried pickles
6. 6 jester hats
7. Pregnancy simulator class
8. 180 Trimspa pills
9. 80% of the empty fetus science class model we’ve both been eying at the Fremont Antique mall
10. 3 gallon jugs of Monarch Vodka

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Seattle Picks Picks Wexley!!!

Yeah, that's right, the fine folks at Seattle Picks , The best online fashion Newsletter about the Pacific Northwest and Seattle in the entire world, has picked Wexley as one of their favorite companies. Well, duh. How could they not? Have we not expressed how handsome, svelte, lithe, humble and buff we are over and over again. Seriously, if Seattle Picks had picked any other agency we would have driven down there taken our shirts off and showed them our chest hairs or hair. Then they would know. Anyhow, we didn't have to do that. And it makes sense they would pick us. And by the way, they didn't really pick us for anything, they just emailed us and said hello (we said hello right back). But we took that as them picking us and we are rolling with it. Because we went on their site and we were amazed to find out that they were as equally stylish and attractive as we are. In fact there seemed to be one lucky fella, Sam, who, although very buff and hot looking like us, is mixed in with even more fashionable and hotter women. Sam, seriously, how'd you pull that off? So, here's to you Seattle Picks . You're hot, we're hot, so we pick you too.