Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Cash Only

Our accounts payable and receivable dude Daniel just told us that we are basically a cash business. So there are going to be some changes around here, starting right now.
First, we only accept cash. Not checks. Not bank transfers, food stamps, postage stamps, Happy Meal dollars, Monopoly dollars, farm animals or beads. Sorry, but we’re growing up and this is what we need to do. He also said we’re going to need to start getting half up front, for safety. No exceptions. So fire up the Brinks truck, or drag that wheelbarrow out of the shed. Let’s see the salad.
We’re hoping when you bring the cash, it’s in one of those stainless steel suitcases and is handcuffed to your wrist. We know that puts you in danger, and someone might machete your hand off and steal that shiny suitcase full of scratch, but if you conceal a Smith & Wesson double-action .45 ACP semi-automatic on your person, you should be able to defend yourself. You better also wear mirrored sunglasses and an ear piece. But no funny stuff. Don’t stroll in here, all, “I’ve got your money Wexley, it’s all right here,” and then, in the drama of the ‘click’, ‘click’ with those sweet latches (let’s assume you don’t stall by ‘forgetting the combination,’ either) you open it up and it’s full of fake Benjamins. Or like a couple hundred bucks on each side, rubber-banded around a deck of playing cards or something. Well, ha ha and LOL, the joke is on you and your piss ant handgun. We’ll pinch off a couple rounds of our triple-mounted .303 caliber Maxim in your general direction. That fancy suit is going to look like cheesecloth. Maybe you forgot one of us is from the Motor City and we don’t take too kindly to the double-cross. A little Detroit Justice coming your way.
OK, now if you don’t have one of those stainless steel suitcases, you can use burlap sacks. But they have to have a big green dollar sign painted on there. Because we don’t need all that cash spilling out when we’re scrambling for sack race bags. We sack race in this bitch all the time, and don’t need people in a sack race frenzy just dumping hundreds of thousands of dollars on the floor.
Lastly, if we don’t round up exactly to the nearest dollar (which is perfectly acceptable in our business practices, by the way), don’t think you can prance in here with a bunch of change, pre-rolled. Nice try, slick. One of our grandparents used to be a bank teller and they said people would always put, you know, 47, maybe 48 pennies in a roll. Yeah, we did that, too. Forget it. And don’t put like a dime on the end of each roll and then stuff the rest of it with like a wine cork or nickel plugs. WE CHECK THE MIDDLE OF THE ROLL.
Don’t mess with us.
OK. We good?

11 comments:

Tim said...

Bring Tim back!! We miss him. He invented sex and guns and money. He made a word called blorp. We fishwich him so much.

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