Wexley welcomes, Grandpa Wexley!

It's not just another October 23rd. Well, technically, it is just another October 23rd. But for the people near and dear to Wexley, we had a historic visitor today. Father Time has graduated one of our co-founders into his Inner Ring of Fire. Yes, Ian Cohen is now a dust-farter. In an industry where the average employee is about the same age as a minor league baseball player, Ian has stood the tests of time. It's only appropriate we look back over his long list of accomplishments in a way to set goals for not only our employees, but employees all over the world. And, perhaps, a few somewhat ambitious middle school students. Ian blazed into this industry during the mid-seventies with avant-garde garage sale signage in semi-rural Raleigh, North Carolina. Through college, his copywriting skills were put to the test in early, targeted guerrilla marketing projects where he coined the phrase "free beere" (sic), art directed the work himself and placed it strategically around the all-women's dorms at UNC-Greensboro. A slight miscommunication in directions caused lukewarm response, but those who found the rented house assumed it was Ian's wacky way of creating a puzzle, and felt honored and proud to have figured out the true destination. Taking on his first job in Seattle, Ian created his most famous work to date. The notorious moving announcement/self promo, "What does a writer look for when he moves to a new city?/A new pad!" garnered international recognition and the new address was distributed to thousands of direct mail houses across the United States, Canada and parts of France. After honing skills, or "skillz," as it were, at a handful of Seattle and Portland agencies, Ian and two friends launched Wexley School for Girls, a strategic, conceptual think tank. One friend realized in just a few months we were deflecting business with the deftness of Luke Skywalker's light saber based on our name alone, and left the company. For the rest of us, he's made family reunions, first dates, holiday parties and new business meetings awkward, even apologetic conversations ever since. Ian, welcome to the silver side of life. We're told there are still linings over there. Please write if you can recall how to string a few words together. Or call, if you can find a phone that still uses rotary dial.

Happy Birthday, bud.

Wexley and Nau. Now.

If you want to get up close and personal with the Wex, you have your chance today. We've taken a break from working out and flexing in the mirror to help create some awareness for our parters Nau. You can find us out and about Westlake Center in downtown Seattle today rocking the Catwalk Crosswalk with our Nau models.

Stop it!

We just have to say something that may be tough for some people to understand. Stop it, clients! Yeah, we said it. Stop it. Stop trying to have sex with us every time we have a meeting. Stop gazing across the conference table and undressing us with those sexy, intelligent eyes. Do you even know how hard it is to consistently do earth-shattering plans and strategies and creative , only to look up at you and see you ready to pounce like a rabid tiger in heat ? It is unnerving. Look, we know, we get it. We're hot. We are the most attractive agency you've ever worked with. We are smart and witty and sometimes speak with sexy accents even though none of us are from a foreign country, but please. We ask you now nicely. Stop it. Fantasize if you must. We'll send you some 8 x 10 glossies of the agency presenting some creative boards if you want. But stop it in person. If you want our best, we're gonna need your best Aretha Franklin. RESPECT. Ok. Thanks.

Countdown to New Wexley

Prepare to hate your jobs even more than you do now. We have a new space and we think it's kind of ok. Update on that: It actually kicks complete agency ass. Check back for new photos over the next week with the grand unveiling when we move in.

Team Wex

Great breaking news on the Wexley sports front. We won the Seattle City League co-rec B Division Championship! Being the best is totally the best.
We took our perfect 9-0 record into the playoffs after giving up only six runs all season in a league of panty weight bully magnets who probably never made it past first base in life, let alone the Tuesday Night League. “Should be playing in A,” or at least that’s what our umpire, heretofore known as ‘Creepy Old Guy Who Called Balls And Strikes Based Only On The Batter’s Attractiveness’ , said at our victory cookout on Friday.
It would have been five runs, too, if it wasn’t for ‘The World’s Most Ill-conceived Pick Off Attempt At Second Base’. A.) there are no lead-offs anyway, stupid Jared, and B.) that throw sailed over Jamie’s head and so far into centerfield, the runner on third could have scored after a successful double leg amputation. Performed by a Civil War-era field surgeon. Using a saw blade with teeth as big and sharp as thimbles.
We won our first playoff game on devastating good looks alone. We popped off our shirts to show what four sets of three rep 65-pound lat pull-downs and Monday-Wednesday-Friday’s 90 minutes on the elliptical and can do. Immediately, our cross town rivals peed themselves with glee at our nakedness and then bagged their own inbred heads. We rapped out the mercy rule in two innings.
Game two. Beating this team 10-1 was a lot like making balloon animals for a toddler and then skewering him with a toothbrush prison shiv. Up 8-0 after one, they loaded the bases each of the next five consecutive innings as we used an array of overhand fastballs plunked between the shoulder blades, Bad News Bears pop fly reenactments and four-pitch walks where we pretended the giant graffiti genitalia spray-painted on the backstop was the strike zone. And each inning, those tomato-faced piglets turned their $75.00 trucker hats inside out and squealed “rally cap!”, only to see the next three batters effortlessly mowed down without Bryan even taking his hands out of his pants at second base. They did score two runs on ‘The Stupidest Pitch Of All Time’ from Cal, who thought, with a man on first, he could prove the last batter on their team was a pre op tranny . Cal did out he/she using a watermelon change up. But in doing so, he/she took it so deep, about 400’ and two fences later the ball was still going up.
The Championship Game. This one might have been closer if our pre-game ritual was to rip our opponent’s heads off and suck their brains out through their eye sockets, then mount their lifeless corpses on shower curtain rods at the various field positions and before we played nine innings. 6-0 might look close, but in actuality we scored all six runs by the second and then took turns freebasing from the chalk line marker while rotating in only three field players. The opposition disgracefully forfeited in a pouty pants outburst when the umpire allowed our fielders participate in a King of The Mountain wrestling melee on the pitcher’s mound for the right to strike out their next batter.
We would like to be good sports and thank not only the second place team, but everyone who bowed down at our alter of superiority throughout the season. You made our Tuesday nights just a little more fun.

Wexley Math

Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" video VS. Lissette's "Eclipse Total del Amore." Who wins? We ran elements from each video through Wexley's patented New NEW Super Scientific Ninja Math and found that Bonnie Tyler wins hands down due to her inclusion of leather daddies with the power of a wind machine.

That's right... Leather daddies with the power of a wind machine beat out the sum of glitter dresses, emotional face cupping, ninjas, possessed choir boys, Lissette and even Bonnie Tyler herself.

We're not kidding - it's science. Click on the picture above to check out the equation in detail. We showed our work.

Kick "A" Blog

Although we don’t do a whole lot of traditional advertising, we often get requests from ad students to take a look at portfolios of fake ads. These portfolios cost upwards of $35,000 in tuition to create. I know, right? Some of us went to great ad schools like The Creative Circus , so we feel the student’s pain . It can be mind-numbing to spend two years making up a bunch of fake ads about real companies. However, it can be equally mind-numbing to spend quality time to give quality feedback on student work. It’s also tough being a student because we may think something is totally pirate parrot killer (which is really good), and some lifeless hack who spends his business week making Olive Garden ads (which we feel are assaults on society) thinks the student’s work is awful. So these poor kids get mixed direction, and end up doing nothing because they don’t embrace feedback from anyone.

To counter this, we have a simple ask of students. One of our creative directors, Cal McAllister , is a total panty-weight and gets beat up by his nieces and nephews each Christmas. When he returns from Houston, he fantasizes about being a karate expert. Karate is not only Bad A, but totally sexy. So if a student sends him a portfolio, he requests the student take the time to pencil a drawing of him using sexy karate to kick someone’s, or something’s, ass. They should spend about 20 minutes on it, because that’s how long he spends with a portfolio. When they send in the drawing, he reviews their work.

We have around 50 drawings now. Here are the Top Six. Because no one does a Top Six.

NEWS FLASH! - Lemmings :(

This lemming did not commit suicide. Walt Disney pushed it. Seriously. Check Wikipedia .
Oh Walt, how could you?

Wexley will be "Dancing with the stars."

So, Dancing With the Stars contacted us last week to see if we, as a group, wanted to participate on the next Dancing With the Stars . We asked how we could compete with Apolo Anton Ohno , who is also from Seattle, or Billy Ray Cyrus or Clyde "The Glide" Drexler , or Ian Ziering , who pronounces his own first name wrong. We asked ourselves, "How can Wexley compete in a dance contest with the likes of these freaks of nature?" Our answer was simple: Riverdance . The deal is if you can Riverdance you can basically win any dance competition. It encompasses all dance theory and moves. It is like being a ninja of dancing. The weird thing here is that we are 17 people and really the only way to compete is with some sort of line dance. You can't ballroom dance with 17 people. You actually can, but then dirty stuff starts happening in the middle where no one can see. Anyhow, we thought of the Macarena or the Electric Slide and all the good oldies but we settled on Riverdance , because that guy was the Lord of the Dance and that rules. Also the girls in Riverdance are kind of hot. So we are being paired up with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders , which we are really excited about too. This is going to be so much fun. Please watch for us starting in November on ABC . Vote for Wexley .

Damn it. We are #2.

It's tough for us to admit this, but we've realized we aren't the best in the world. Sure we are still one of the best in the world, but we have been humbled. Two words: Face Off. Have you seen it lately? Drop what you are doing. Drop your lunch, your kid, your cable knit sweater on the floor and run over to Blockbuster and flippin' rent it. If you have seen it, watch it again. We forgot what a freaking masterpiece this is, people. And there are so many things right with this movie we could write two blogs about this, but let's see where we net out in one. Ok, so Face Off - is it better than Star Wars? Much. Is it better than Blue Lagoon? Please. Is it funnier than Fried Green Tomatoes? You decide. This is an epic that has been hidden in the Drama/Action section of your local video store for too long, but no longer. We are here to tell you that this movie has it all. We're talking three thumbs up! We usually talk about how great we are, and rightfully so, but even Wexley has never performed a successful face transplant. But that's nothing. There are so many defining moments, like when Nicolas Cage is in a coma, and his face has already been transplanted onto John Travolta's face, and though he is the world's number one bad guy, he is totally unguarded and they accidentally left John Travolta's face in a jar behind a sheet in the same room. So of course Cage comes out of his coma, which by the way is awesome because he has no face but can still hang out and smoke cigarettes and smile and laugh like a villain. It's like if Osama Bin Laden was captured and left unguarded at County General. We love the logic, "Hey, he's in a coma and doesn't have a face, so what's he gonna do?" Well, stupid bitches, he's gonna wake up, put on that face they left in the jar beside his bed and continue to crap terror all over the world. The best thing about the movie though is the triple pun slam. THE T.P.S. Basically, you have the name Face Off. And then you have the fact that their faces are actually ripped off. Then you have the fact that they actually face off in several scenes of the movie. It is a pure gem. There are so many levels. There are amazing lines. Cage and Travolta make you believe they are each other with just the wrong faces. It is insane. And it is seriously way better than anything Wexley could ever do. However, we are working on it: Behold Face Off II, where Cage comes back from the dead, rips his face off, finds Travolta, rips his face off and they meet up a dingy smoke-filled pool hall and fight, faceless, then they weirdly make up, then make out and then lead a somewhat normal life as gay, faceless pool hustlers. So, actually maybe we are better than them. We knew it. Wexley is still number one. Sorry for the scare.

Wexley introduces: MyWexley

Because every product in the world seems to think they need an area of their website called My_______, Wexley School for Girls has decided to be become a real company like them. "We think MyWexley can boost sales 7,000,000%," says Cal McAllister, co-owner of Wexley . Since Wexley coined the first "My something" 13 years ago, all companies have either started a My_____ or have gone out of business. Scientific studies show this happens within 30 days. "Since we are so much a part of people's lives, we wanted to get even more personal. MyWexley allows us to get personal with our clients and really let them decide what Wexley means to them. It puts them in the driver's seat," added co-owner Ian Cohen. He also briefly stated "We struggled with it early. It was like, MyWexley? If it is their Wexley , then it's just like giving Wexley away? Then would we have to do a OurWexley.com to get it back? It was tough. Also, since there is a MyCoke , MyMSN , MyWalmart , MyNBA , MyNFL , MyMLB , MyBartellDrugs , MySizzler , MyAddidas (which is original since RUN DMC actually sang about it) MyMcDonalds , MyOliveGarden , MySafeway , MyRedCross , , MyPizzaHut , MyKodak , MyGatewayComputer , MyCrest , MyMidgetWrestlingTour2007 , MyDoritos , MyFritos , MyATT , MyCharmin , MyHomeDepot , MyStaples , MyOfficeMax , MyHonda and the all encompassing MySpace , it was imperative we do it too. So we did and now you will get a piece of us. We did play with: Got'sToHaveWexley.com too and maybe that is next, but we are trying to just get up to speed and make sure we don't go out of business." Wexley School for Girls plans to launch MyWexley.com on July 4th, as a tribute to America.

Die Russian cats Die.

Guns don’t kill people. People who spend $60 to watch 35 cats be tortured by 5 fat mediocre clowns kill people. And cats. And clowns.

This weekend 2 members of Wexley were duped in the biggest scam in the history of the universe. Bigger than Enron. Bigger than Sea Monkeys… the perpetrators? The Moscow Cats Theatre . Dubbed “an acrobatic feline wonder” we were suckered into the most uncomfortable, painful, unfunny 80 minutes of our lives.

Now we know what you’re thinking, “but your humor is so sophisticated, so high brow, maybe good ‘ol Russian humor is below you Wexley .” Come on America! We’re all about poop jokes and laughing at fatties at the beach. But there is nothing funny about a clown pretending that the wind is blowing his umbrella away. Or juggling 3 pins. Three whole pins! And it’s Moscow CAT Theatre, not Moscow CLOWN Theatre! For at least 25 of the 80 minutes there were NO CATS to be seen! We paid for cats!

Ok fine, there were a few highlights. Halfway through the show the one slow, pathetic dog (why he was there was never addressed) did sport a sizable boner. And there was one cat who spun a rave stick. But it was nowhere near what it was cracked up to be. To that point: To the New York Times , Time Out NY , Newsday , People , the New York Post , CBS , and Village Voice , you are all a bunch of liars. We are boycotting all of your publications and demand a written apology and a refund of at least $50 of the $60 we spent on tickets. (We both agreed that the show would have been worth $10 for the cat in the low-rider, the dog lipstick and the cat rave party.)

Additionally, here’s a list of 10 more useful things that $60 could have bought us.
1. Six rubber chickens on leashes
2. One night at the Value Inn on Aurora and a sensual 4 minute massage
3. A star courtesy of starregistry.com
4. A Kenny Rodgers belt buckle
5. 30 deep fried pickles
6. 6 jester hats
7. Pregnancy simulator class
8. 180 Trimspa pills
9. 80% of the empty fetus science class model we’ve both been eying at the Fremont Antique mall
10. 3 gallon jugs of Monarch Vodka

Seattle Picks Picks Wexley!!!

Yeah, that's right, the fine folks at Seattle Picks , The best online fashion Newsletter about the Pacific Northwest and Seattle in the entire world, has picked Wexley as one of their favorite companies. Well, duh. How could they not? Have we not expressed how handsome, svelte, lithe, humble and buff we are over and over again. Seriously, if Seattle Picks had picked any other agency we would have driven down there taken our shirts off and showed them our chest hairs or hair. Then they would know. Anyhow, we didn't have to do that. And it makes sense they would pick us. And by the way, they didn't really pick us for anything, they just emailed us and said hello (we said hello right back). But we took that as them picking us and we are rolling with it. Because we went on their site and we were amazed to find out that they were as equally stylish and attractive as we are. In fact there seemed to be one lucky fella, Sam, who, although very buff and hot looking like us, is mixed in with even more fashionable and hotter women. Sam, seriously, how'd you pull that off? So, here's to you Seattle Picks . You're hot, we're hot, so we pick you too.

Thank You, AdAge.

So now you know. The secret is out. No, not that secret. The secret behind the real Wexley. The business side of Wexley. We know, we put on this "wacky" front to all of you, but that's the crazy-like-a-fox thing. And now Ad Age finally told the world how crazy smart we are. Check it out here . Also, we know a lot more things that the article didn't tell you, like: Who killed JFK , How to stop male pattern baldness , where drug runners from Columbia hide their drugs now , why women who spend time together generally get on the same menstrual cycle, how weather balloons are really spy cameras, that Trix are not only for kids , that every major channel is really bummed they didn't come up with American Idol and that if you write "Top ten ways to improve blog traffic" or "How to create a viral video" or "Make the web work for you" you will increase traffic to your blog site. We know all of that. Why, because besides being insanely handsome and hot and ridiculously, stupid famous (check it) . we are also pretty humble and genius and incredibly tan and buff. See you at the Oscars.

This is OUR now...

OMG. The BEST GUY IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD dropped by Wexley today. He's got an ice cream truck and he travels around the country (and eventually the world) and GIVES AWAY FREE ICE CREAM!

FREEEEEEEE!

And he came to see us! He totally knew about us and stopped by because he thinks we're great!! And we got free ice cream and pictures, and smiles - lots of smiles! This is the best day EVER! Ice cream man - we think you're great too!!! Some of us smiled SO much that we got little bitty cracks in our lips and they bled a little bit and got some red stuff on our happy creamy treats. But, don't worry the cold from the ice cream kept the bleeding under control and everything was cool. Cuz, we're totally smooth. Seriously, the ice cream man didn't even notice... thank goodness!

Because... btw... well, we kind of maybe have a little crush on the ice cream man. I mean, seriously - he GIVES AWAY FREE ICE CREAM JUST TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY!! HELLOOO!!!??!?!?!? Oh, and plus... he has REALLY nice hair, BIG curly locks. We like big curly locks. We like them very much, thank you! We kind of wanna run our agency hands through his curly locks and get them all tangled up and stuck so we just have to stare into his big, beautiful good samaritan eyes and then maybe when we're "trying" to get our hands unstuck our face gets just a little too close to his face and maybe our lips accidentally rub up against his sweet, sweet, ice creamy lips... and... oh, golly... excuse us for a minute...

We love you ice cream man.

Thank you,

Wexley .

Wexley helps Nicaragua.

Let's face it, Nicaragua needs help. Things are crazy over there. There have been snowstorms, windstorms, giant caterpillars the size of cantaloupes infesting the corn, large rocks falling, mudslides, bees and a lot of other things taking its toll on this once proud country. And to top it off, they are still recoiling from the hit they took when Argentina drew economic boosts from the ever popular "Don't Cry For Me Argentina!" So it was time for Wexley to mobilize and help the people of Nicaragua. Stop talking and start walking we said. Walking for Nicaragua. So we set this in motion and will be premiering the new musical "Nicaragua' this summer. It will be awesome. Please listen to the trailer. It will make you stop crying for Argentina and start feeling something for Nicaragua.

Blog World F.O.

Seriously, we almost have to hide these days. We had to go back and rework our numbers so it looked like no one really was on this blog site. Why? Because all of the top bloggers like Daily Kos , Little Green Footballs , Huffington Post , Michelle Malkin , InstaPundit , Boing Boing , Post Secret , Power Line , TMZ and Technorati were freaking out about us. There was some talk about them ganging up and taking us out. So we have cleverly put up this site, that has no traffic, to act as a buffer so these supposed "blog wizards" would go away. But we are tired of hiding. We want to fight. We want to stand bold and be the blog Gods that we are. We aren't here to get millions of clicks. We're here because we want to show off and dick around because the world needs that. So watch out Daily Kos , back off Michelle Malkin , see ya in cyber hell Boing Boing , bring it Huffington Post , power's out Power Line , because we aren't going to go away anymore. We're here to stay and here forever. Until we perfect Blog 4 and when we release that, forget about it!

Who’s naughty?

We’re not just naughty we’re cosmonauty. Which is spelled that way for a reason. Yeah, so we did this little thing as a very small part of a big thing for Microsoft Windows Vista launch promotion and holy crap has it taken off. We thought it might. Grouper has it as 3 million views. And we broke our record on Youtube by hitting 320,000 views in one week.

In fact the Youtube dudes called us and were wondering if they could rename it Youandustube.com, we said no, because we are kind of humble. Anyhow, check it out and watch out -- if you search for Wexley videos on Youtube you get some woman with her little girl dog named Wexley. That isn’t us, unless you like that, then we’ll even take credit for that. And stop feeling sorry for yourself. It’s unbecoming.

Cash Only

Our accounts payable and receivable dude Daniel just told us that we are basically a cash business. So there are going to be some changes around here, starting right now.
First, we only accept cash. Not checks. Not bank transfers, food stamps, postage stamps, Happy Meal dollars, Monopoly dollars, farm animals or beads. Sorry, but we’re growing up and this is what we need to do. He also said we’re going to need to start getting half up front, for safety. No exceptions. So fire up the Brinks truck, or drag that wheelbarrow out of the shed. Let’s see the salad.
We’re hoping when you bring the cash, it’s in one of those stainless steel suitcases and is handcuffed to your wrist. We know that puts you in danger, and someone might machete your hand off and steal that shiny suitcase full of scratch, but if you conceal a Smith & Wesson double-action .45 ACP semi-automatic on your person, you should be able to defend yourself. You better also wear mirrored sunglasses and an ear piece. But no funny stuff. Don’t stroll in here, all, “I’ve got your money Wexley, it’s all right here,” and then, in the drama of the ‘click’, ‘click’ with those sweet latches (let’s assume you don’t stall by ‘forgetting the combination,’ either) you open it up and it’s full of fake Benjamins. Or like a couple hundred bucks on each side, rubber-banded around a deck of playing cards or something. Well, ha ha and LOL, the joke is on you and your piss ant handgun. We’ll pinch off a couple rounds of our triple-mounted .303 caliber Maxim in your general direction. That fancy suit is going to look like cheesecloth. Maybe you forgot one of us is from the Motor City and we don’t take too kindly to the double-cross. A little Detroit Justice coming your way.
OK, now if you don’t have one of those stainless steel suitcases, you can use burlap sacks. But they have to have a big green dollar sign painted on there. Because we don’t need all that cash spilling out when we’re scrambling for sack race bags. We sack race in this bitch all the time, and don’t need people in a sack race frenzy just dumping hundreds of thousands of dollars on the floor.
Lastly, if we don’t round up exactly to the nearest dollar (which is perfectly acceptable in our business practices, by the way), don’t think you can prance in here with a bunch of change, pre-rolled. Nice try, slick. One of our grandparents used to be a bank teller and they said people would always put, you know, 47, maybe 48 pennies in a roll. Yeah, we did that, too. Forget it. And don’t put like a dime on the end of each roll and then stuff the rest of it with like a wine cork or nickel plugs. WE CHECK THE MIDDLE OF THE ROLL.
Don’t mess with us.
OK. We good?

Smile.

Raise your hand if you've got one. Good. You see the point of this entry is to make you feel good about yourself. Look, a lot of people don't have as much going for them as we do. So it's natural to get down on yourselves. We don't really know that, because why would we ever get down on ourselves when everything is kind of awesome with us all the time? But normal people have problems. We get it. We watch TV, we read magazines and other blogs and old Sally Jessy Rapheal shows so we get that there are a lot of unhappy people out there. You know: gaining too much weight, not having enough crazy sex, drinking too much, fondling themselves in public, eating too many carrots at one time and experiencing ridiculous stomach stuff, having their period, limping from a sore foot, getting hit by cars and living, getting caught farting at the gym on the treadmill, getting a lesion of some sort or
contracting Herpes or having their faces sliced off by space debris that has unexpectedly fallen from the sky or had one eye gouged out by the claws of a weird pissed off sparrow or robin...we totally get it. Life can be cruel. Life can suck. For some people. But if you are one of those people who at this moment in time are still unhappy, seriously, don't bring us down. Get
your crap out of here. We are pretty psyched right now.

PAIHOPTOO

We’ve just heard some news that rocked our world. IHOP is now providing “togo” meals. This must be stopped. To think that you would order yourpancakes, drive up, and simply drive away is simply appalling. You’re missing the point people! Now Wexley is all for drive through wedding ceremonies, drive though liquor stores and drive through gun shops, but this? This is too much. This is the INTERNATIONAL house of pancakes. To miss out on the INTERNATIONAL ambiance would leave you feeling half full… but mostly half empty. To miss out on the fake flower arrangements, faded peach musty carnations, laying against one another, petal to petal, to miss out on the children’s screams, and the obese mother in the stained tube top yelling “YOU ORDERED IT, YOU EAT IT!” as she gnaws on her side of bacon she ordered in addition to the four slices she already ate with her meal. To miss out on the servers, their misery, their pain, the hate in their eyes when you ask for just “one more” cup… just “top it off.” That, dear friends, is what IHOP is all about. In lieu of this stunning news we have started a movement, People Against IHOP take out orders, or PAIHOPTOO for short. Please, join us. It’s for the children.

What to do if you are too good looking.

Ok, so you are probably not as good looking as us, but maybe you are fairly attractive. Here's what you need to know. When you are really, really good looking, like us, there are things in life that come easier and freer than they do to normal looking people. For example, when we go to Staples to buy office supplies, more often than not, the person at the check out counter tells us not to worry about it, it's on them. Or just the other day, when a guy came to fix the printer, we acted innocent and let our beautiful agency hair flow and he actually went out to the truck and gave us a new printer and color cartridges for a year free. "I won't tell if you don't," he said. Then once, we were flying to a new business pitch and the entire agency got moved to first class for no apparent reason and the weird thing is the entire agency wasn't even on that flight. So here's the problem. When you are so incredibly good looking, you start losing a sense of "you". It all becomes a inner struggle: Am I really intelligent enough for that client or are they just buying all of our ideas because we are so damn sexy? It's a tough one. So we decided to present our last round of work to our client with bags on our heads. They still loved the work. We were so relieved. We knew we were incredibly smart and as witty as a British politician but we now we really know. So, the lesson here is: If you are wondering if you are too good looking, you need to look into the mirror and see if you can see inner beauty looking back. Sometimes you have to stare at that mirror for a long time, so bring a glass of orange juice.

Peace, Brother. Peace.

Blogaliciousness

Remember that Asian kid who picked up the viola at age two and immediately busted out some Chopin? Well that’s an analogy of us to blogging. We’re like blogging prodigies. After only 15 days we are legendary Internet writing geniuses. So we’re not even going to try anymore. Because just imagine what would happen if we actually tried, if we actually put some thought or time or effort in? It would just be unfair to the rest of the mere mortal bloggers out there. And we really don’t want to make anyone feel bad, that’s not what we’re about, pointing out unusually large watermelon shaped heads and laughing far too long for far too loudly. That’s rude. And if there’s one thing you can say about our blog besides the fact that it is far superior to any other piece of written or oral communication ever uttered is that we are cordial. So from now on we’re going to blog at about 7%-9%, so as not to embarrass anyone. For example right now at this very moment we’re not even paying one bit of attention to what we’re saying. We’re far too busy developing our new line of baby flavored fetus pops and testing the stretch of our new spandex business cards to even bother entertaining you. Really, it’s so freaking easy we’re not even thinking its so easiest we can type it but listen youre reading it so whatever. Check it, that last sentence wasn’t remotely grammatically correct and made no sense. But guess what, we don’t even care because you’re still reading right? It’s like a hot dog, even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. And in our case, it’s the best hog dog you’ve ever tasted, because it is ground from the meat of the world and wrapped in the intestines of the future. So slap on some relish and eat it. Just eat it.

An Intergalactic Space Case Study

We are pleased to announce the results of our latest marketing adventure. Last year we were hired by a certain global company to market inter-globally. Their product was actually selling so well here on earth that they wanted to search the universe for new potential consumers. So with the help of NASA, Wexley constructed the largest billboard ever made, not only on earth, but in the universe. Seriously. We built a 465 mile long 235 mile high billboard on the moon. It was placed on the back of the moon to face Venus, so that is why you haven’t seen it. It has been there for a year and it has been amazingly successful. Since Venus is believed to be the highest odds of any planet of having life, it seemed only right to try and market there. So if there is a chance of life forming there, they will have this product ingrained in their very existence. There is also the extended value of possibly reaching a secondary target with possible life on Europa, the second largest moon of Jupiter. Also, there is a third and more unlikely target of any space beings who may be out there after being accidentally cut from their tethers. Wexley is so excited with the metrics. The numbers are astounding. Using the moon dollar conversion rate, the spend to calculated impression is probably the best media buy in the history of media buys. For every moon dollar spent we reached all of Venus, the entire planet ,for over 1 whole year. And since Venus rotates slower than the Earth any possible life would be able to see the billboard for longer hours every day thus making the buy even more impressive. This obviously assumes that life on Venus has eyes. Anyhow, add in the added value of the impressions of other possible life on other possible planets and you have the largest media buy ever. And Wexley School for Girls did it, so don’t worry about it.

Wexley goes Enviro-Mental

A lot of people and corporations are all about going "green" or "eco-friendly" or "earth-friendly" these days. But that only does so much for the earth. Seriously are the polar ice caps getting any larger now that we've started recycling? No. So, we're taking a stand and taking this to a new environmental level. The level of Enviro-Mental: That's because we're crazy about the earth. We love it. So if you want to mess with the earth, you better be prepared to bring it through Wexley. That's right we are going to save the earth by going absolutely mentally crazy on people who want to destroy it. We will use telepathy. We will use mind melds. We will use quantum brain physics and neuro-molecular particle wave distribution. We will use science and geography and algebra to take back the earth. You watch in the next few days or weeks if someone throws a can in the trash, we will now feel it through our WexlESP and we will send brain waves to that person through Wexley transmitters we are currently installing in Cleveland and Nicaragua which will bounce off the transmitters and into the brains of the earth litterer. That person will be reduced to the size of the trash in which he/she was about to throw away. The wrong way. So justice is served and the planet is safe. Also, that brain wave would pick up the trash that was placed in the wrong spot and recycle it. That is going Enviro-mental. And that is the Wexley way.

This sort of goes without saying, but...

That's right loyal readers of one week, we're the best blog of all time. Or at least we're nominated to be the best by people who feel like they need a silly contest to tell us what we already know.

If Wexley were a picture, it would be totally this beautiful.

You asked. Here it is.

Wow, so this blog thing works. We didn’t even know if the internet was going to stick around. Perhaps it will, now that we’re on it. But since you asked, here’s what we are. Wexley School for Girls is named as such because we don’t want you to think we’re a traditional ad agency. We’re not. We ask our clients to do non-traditional things, so we walk in the door with a non-traditional presence. Thus, our name.

One reason we started this place in 2003— during our past agency lives it was hard to convince both the agency and client to produce a squirrel race instead of a TV spot, even if a squirrel race was the better, more strategic idea. There wasn’t the structure to bill a squirrel race. There wasn’t a way to make money on ideas that didn’t come with immense media buys or production mark-ups. The best ideas often died because the archaic advertising business model didn’t leave room for them to live. Bitches! So, we saw an opportunity in targeted creative ideas, because bigger agencies didn’t know what to do with them.

Wexley was started on the premise that it would be hard to define, and thus defined by our client’s needs rather than our own set of parameters. If anything, we’re a conglomeration of creative explorations. So we’ve heard buzz marketing! And digital media! And viral film makers! All that is true, really. But in the end, we just want to put good things in front of the right people and try and get an atomic, volcanic, apocalyptic reaction. In a good way.

Wexley's Word of the Day

Acetylseryltyrosylserylisoleucylthreonylserylprolylserylglutaminylphenylalanylvalylphenyl-
alanylleucylserylserylvalyltryptophylalanylaspartylprolylisoleucylglutamylleucylleucylasparaginyl-
valylcysteinylthreonylserylserylleucylglycylasparaginylglutaminylphenylalanylglutaminylthreonyl-
glutaminylglutaminylalanylarginylthreonylthreonylglutaminylvalylglutaminylglutaminyl-
phenylalanylserylglutaminylvalyltryptophyllysylprolylphenylalanylprolylglutaminylserylthreonylvalyl-
arginylphenylalanylprolylglycylaspartylvalyltyrosyllysylvalyltyrosylarginyltyrosylasparaginylalanyl-
valylleucylaspartylprolylleucylisoleucylthreonylalanylleucylleucylglycylthreonylphenylalanylaspartyl-
threonylarginylasparaginylarginylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylvalglutamylasparaginylglutaminyl-
glutaminylserylprolylthreonylthreonylalanylglutamylthreonylleucylaspartylalanylthreonyl-
arginylarginylvalylaspartylaspartylalanylthreonylvalylalanylisoleucylarginylserylalanyl-
asparaginylisoleucylasparaginylleucylvalylasparaginylglutamylleucylvalylarginylglycyl-
threonylglycylleucyltyrosylasparaginylglutaminylasparaginylthreonylphenylalanylglutamyl-
serylmethionylserylglycylleucylvalyltryptophylthreonylserylalanylprolylalanylserine.

Woa.

This means: Tobacco Mosaic Virus, Dahlemense Strain.

Now try to use that in a sentence today. Or better yet, say it five times fast.

Wexley Invents: Instanter Messaging

Tired of the really slow drone of Instant Messaging? Well now, thanks to Wexley Science, there is something faster. Wexley has developed something faster than instant. We call it Instanter. And Instanter Messaging will allow you to conversate with your friends or coworkers faster than ever before. How does it work? Think of it this way: If instant messaging takes the time of a snap, then Instanter messaging takes the time of your fingers getting ready to snap. It’s that fast. Check out the demo to your left to fully understand the speed of Instanter Messaging. Wexley Science has been on the forefront of technological breakthroughs for years having brought to the world Pineapples by melding, what was once thought of as crazy, pine and apples. Wexley has also created a working time machine and Two for Tuesdays.

Grooming Tips

Super Cuts.
Hair Masters.
Great Clips.

Here is the dilemma. What is the best: Super, Great or a Master? After taking the challenge, Wexley has deduced that being a hair “Master” is actually far superior to having a “Super” cut -which is actually much better than having a “Great” clip. What makes the Master of hair better is the free shampoo and scalp massage. One Wexley tester actually almost fell asleep while soaking in the warm water and gentle touch of the hair “Master”.

Of course, it makes sense that Super is much better than just Great anyhow, but given the speedy, “get you in and out without actually giving a shit about you or your hair” service can only leave you at the “Great” level. Also if you look into history, anything super, like Superpowers, Super heroes, Super markets are much better than anything just great, like Great ____, see there, that’s the problem.

In summary, if you want the best cut go to Hair Masters. They are the Masters and your hair will be happy.

Wexley invents: Octomechanics

This is an amazing new science developed by the Wexley School for Girls’ 1st year computer class. Whereas previous computer sciences were made of 0’s and 1’s our science is made of 8’s and 7’s, thus giving you the science that is almost 8 times greater than the previous science.

The internet is wider and deeper. The air is richer and 8 times healthier. The views are grander. The animals are stronger, and the best part of Octomachanics is that none of the research is done on animals. It is all done on simulated animals that were created with Octomeachanics. It’s crazy. And it’s here.

We Hired Bill Gates' Son!

Wexley just hired one of the top minds in Microsoft history! Is Brian Marr Bill Gates' son? No. But does he look a little like him, yes. Their brains are very similar looking. And The Wexley School for Girls has just hired him. Look at his bio, it is insane.

Brian Marr
Managing Director, Wexley School for Girls
Brian Marr is the Managing Director of Wexley School for Girls, a traditionally non-traditional marketing agency in Seattle. Marr not only leads the Wexley accounts and production team, forging new grounds in marketing at the Most Creative Entity in the World, but also enjoys catching butterflies with his bare hands. He is a stunt double on the show Walker Texas Ranger and recently ate 47 hot dogs in the annual Dog Fest in upstate New York. He gave the commencement speech at Harvard in 2003, Yale the following and followed with Dartmouth that evening. They were all awesome. He was a circus clown for Ringling Bros until a freak white tiger accident, where upon he was united with Roy of Sigmund and Roy and, after his injuries healed, he performed in Vegas with Sigmond while Roy was out. He invented the internet, the word “millennium” and “blogging”. He also created feminism. Before his marriage to his wonderful wife Maggie, he had 12 wives and fathered over half of New Mexico.

Prior to joining Wexley, Marr was Group Marketing Manager of Microsoft's Windows Vista “Buzz” team, leading the overall influencer and word-of-mouth marketing strategy for the consumer launch of Windows Vista in January 2007. Marr also served as a lead spokesperson for national print and broadcast media.

Marr grew up in Northern California and graduated from the University of California, Santa Cruz with a bachelor’s degree in psychology and minor in photography. After college, he held positions with Hewlett Packard and several Silicon Valley start-ups before joining Microsoft to launch Windows XP in 2000. In his spare time he enjoys photography, racing for a cycling team in Seattle, and writing bios in the 3rd person about himself.

Wexley's First Blog

Hello,

Welcome to the Wexley School for Girls first blog. Shut up you say! Surely you’ve had a blog before. Well, you shut up, because we were blogging before there blogging was even called blogging. We called it, “writing about stuff” on the internet. We named it WASOB (Writing About Stuff On the Web) but WASOBing didn’t catch on. Not like the other terms we created: Two for Tuesdays, Cheers!, “Say Cheese!” and the combination of the words pine and apple to create Pineapple which by the way, created a whole new fruit. Yeah, all of those things were Wexley’s and we invented all of it, so the fact that we didn’t invent blogging doesn’t make us too sad. But rest assure we have taken this blogging thing seriously. And we have decided to take it to the future. And that is what we want to announce today. Wexley is now taking blogging to the next level. Introducing - Blogging 4. Blogging 4 actually skips two levels, 2 and 3, and takes blogging so far into the future that no one can really keep up. Over the next year you will experience blogging 4 and probably shit yourself at some point. We apologize now for that, but when you taking things to the next level, and skipping levels in the process, well, things happen and some of it is not so cool. But what is cool is Blogging 4. So put your crash helmet on and get ready. Check back in next week. And see Blogging 4 and learn more about the Wexley School for Girls. Pass it on.